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So I’m still in Japan. Day 847. Or Day 6. Something like that. All the days blend together here because my nights and days are still mixed up and I haven’t slept more than 3 hours at a time and it all feels like I’m trapped in a weird Hunter S. Thompson story except that ...

Dear Mr. King of Germany: It has been brought to my attention that your daughter is either impersonating me or mocking me in her royal portrait. Exhibit A: I’ve been rockin’ this look for years so I can only assume this is a move of aggression on her part. That’s ...

Conversation between me and twitter , who is kind of an asshole: And that’s the reason why I don’t like twitter. Because it’s judgemental and it never goes away. It’s like your ...

"Other shit I did this week." (Translation, in case you don't read Dracula.) You know how on Sundays I do a week-in-review about all the shit that happened to me that I didn’t write about here but then sometimes I forget to do it and instead I do it at the beginning ...

The day before yesterday I got invited as a “member of the media” to go to a Planned Parenthood thingie. I think it was a fund-raiser or a plan to picket them or something. I don’t know. I wasn’t really paying attention to that part because all I really wanted to do ...

You know what would suck? If you taped a brick of cocaine into the inside of the toilet tank in your hotel so that the maids wouldn’t find it but then you forgot it when you checked out and remembered it when you got back home and now you can’t even call and ask them to send it to ...

I have a ton of embarrassing shit to write about this weekend in Vegas even though most of the time I hid in my hotel room but God knows if I’ll ever finish it so instead here’s a video of me at the BlogWorld Expo Closing Keynote in Vegas , sharing a stage with Kevin Pollak ,  ...

This week on Ask the Bloggess : And that’s why I’m so glad we won the Revolutionary War. Apparently you actually *can* be too good at blow jobs. This week on my sex column (which is satirical and vague ly safe for work if your boss isn’t a total douche ...

My friend, Laura, on convincing me that I had to go on a girl’s weekend with a bunch of strangers even though I’m socially awkward and have anxiety disorder: “Chill out and get packed. I mean, honestly, what’s the worst thing that could happen?” Me and ...